Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I would give away a ton of these clothes but I doubt there are any homeless people who dress as slutty as me
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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