Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
