You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
