Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
