I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
