If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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