My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
