I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
