Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
