you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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