Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
