i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
