I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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