I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
