I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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