You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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