I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
