if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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