Kareoke will never be a sober sport
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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