This girl is more easily done than said...
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
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