Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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