he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
