mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Randomize
