My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I smell stomach acid.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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