I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
