Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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