Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
