i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
