the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Randomize
