I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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