i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
