So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
