super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Randomize
