ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
