Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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