i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
My penis needs a shock collar
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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