dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
