wanna go halves on a baby?
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
