I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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