You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
