I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
