so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I wannas sexs uuuuu
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
