my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
