Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize
