My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
sarcasm needs its own font
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Randomize
