Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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