Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
