I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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