I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
