i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
