I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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