i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
