In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Randomize
