The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
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