Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
