the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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