DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
