i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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