now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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