it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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