So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
