thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
